Platonic or Plutonic?

I've not read any of Plato's works, but then again, I've not really read a lot of works so that point is kinda moot. In any event, the term "platonic friends" is pretty much universally known nowadays. And youths these days (I'll count myself as one despite how old and mouldy I'm getting) are kinda getting entangled in the whole mess of it. Personal explanation as follows.

Hrmmm.. My parents probably came from an era where "platonic friends" were a non-existential entity. If you knew someone of the opposite gender, he/she was more or less an "acquaintance" rather than a "friend". If you wanted to befriend him/her, you were more or less interested in him/her and would therefore try to "date" the person in order to get closer to her. It was pretty much black & white with a somewhat clear line separating the gender boundaries as well as the notion of "acquaintances" and "friends".

These days, however, are a tad bit different. Well, in my book at least. For one, I don't look at every single female as a potential "girlfriend target" (probably explains why I'm still single, but nevermind about that) but rather as potential friends. There's not exactly a boundary to me whether friends can be made with the opposite gender. Its just natural, isn't it? Everyone has the potential to be a possible friend, no? Whether male of female.

Still, there are some inherent contradictions to the above, which leads to what I call "The Mess". In having a number of close female platonic friends, there're sometimes a whole bunch of unexplored paths which my dear parents can't exactly help me with, since I'm caught up in the midst of The Mess.

The biggest issue in my book, is when these long-time platonic friends eventually get attached. Whilst the first instinct and reaction is to feel a sense of euphoria as a pal of your's has finally found someone she can trust and live together with, the feeling quickly ebbs away to be replaced irritatingly with a jumble of emotions. Envy, being the foremost. Though some might call it jealousy.

Usually, I deal with these emotions by trying really ruddy hard to shunt them aside. But the same thoughts would resurface and bug me from time to time.

These include:
1) Damn, I'm not gonna be talking and meeting up with her as often since she'll be all lovey-dovey with her new beau.
2) Damn, I've been friends with her for eons now, and this new guy just waltzes into her life and sweeps her off her feet?
2.1) Not that I ever had any of those feelings for her, but was I ever in the picture?
2.2) Or wait, COULD i possibly have had feelings for her?

And thats where The Mess really kicks in. Have I, in the span of knowing someone so well, actually developed feelings for her along the way? I used to swallow it down as being a "brother-sisterly" sort of affection. But nowadays, I'm beginning to worry otherwise. Which is buggersome for one big reason. Does that mean I've "developed affections" for that small number of close female friends? That sounds almost, uh, casonova-ish. Its friggin' bloody annoying. And my response would be to go "of course not, i'm not that sort of guy".

But the envy and jealousy still lingers at times. Bubbling up to surface thoughts just to annoy the shit out of me when I least expect it. And sometimes, stupidly, I start worrying about how I'd feel when friends who aren't attached eventually do so.

I'd like to think that the whole sense of down-ness these thoughts lead to is just because of the fact I won't be meeting up with her that often anymore. And we wouldn't be sharing as much with each other.

But, to be fair, communication is a two-way thing. And even if she doesn't call me because she's happy with her beau, that doesn't mean I can't call her right? Still, its so difficult to pick up the phone at times 'coz I don't wanna interrupt at an inopportune moment. Or to be told "I'm talking to him at the moment, will callya back later alrighty?" and eventually not having my call returned.

I guess some would argue that it would mean that our friendship probably wasn't as strong as I believed it to be. I would disagree however. I still believe in my friendships with these attached ladies, despite the slack in communications. Friendship, after all, is an embedded thing and it doesn't always require constant communication to reaffirm it, but rather an innate feeling that this person would always be around to help out when I'm in trouble, and vice versa.

Which leads to the subject of plutonic rocks. Yes, insane jump off-course here, but I hope I can veer it into the correct direction. Basically, plutonic rocks are formed by the cooling of magma in subsurface conditions. Somewhat similar to igneous rocks I suspect. But anyways, coining the word "plutonic friends" might make for some interesting debate. Sort of like, the cooling of the friendship after a platonic friend has been attached, ie the transition from platonic to plutonic friend would occur after he/she's been attached.

There're still feelings and friendly affections for the person, but due to circumstances, those emotions have cooled off a little, though they were burning more fiercely previously.

Utter rubbish? Insane ramblings? I've no idea myself. I'm still searching for a point B. And if there's no destination, there's no point looking for a route. ^^;;

Christmas Shmishmas

Right, so Christmas is round the corner. The festive spirit's in the air. Lots of peeps in town doing last minute shopping. Red/white decor plagues every mall and adverts depicting cheap deals are aplenty.

Christmas cards are trickling in, though ironically they're from sales reps and insurance agents rather than friends. ^^;; I'm not complaining, since I rarely send out cards and don't expect any either.

Still, Christmas is looking as grim as ever.

It might seem like I'm leading some sort of depressed lifestyle, but hrmmm, its something a li'l different than that (ie I'm NOT depressed). Christmas to me is usually a prelude to the big blow which is New Year's. That week in between the two dates is when that slightly guilty portion at the back of your brain starts bugging you whether you've actually accomplished what you set out to do at the start of the year.

And every year, the answer is pretty much a resounding no for me. I'm still temperamental. I'm still prone to periods where I just shut myself out from people. I'm still barely skimming through my exams and my results are still as craphola as they were a year ago.

Nevertheless, the same old resolutions will be made. Which will then be unaccomplished by year's end, and the cycle repeats itself til... well, til I eventually change or get zapped to my component molecules. Chances are, the latter occurence would happen first. ^^;;

In any event, there's really no necessity in wallowing in unfulfilled resolutions. Since its a yearly occurence, I shouldn't slip into the *cough* Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul. I really oughta be enjoying the last long-term break I'll be having for the next (argh) 30-40 years or so. *grimaces, winces and gasps*

In short: I'll be damned if I don't complete watching School Rumble before this year is over. =P =P

Dreams - Reality's imprint, or imagination's figment?

I've been dreaming a lot recently. A helluva lot. And no, its not the sort of castle-in-the-air/mind-wandering-about type of daytime dreaming in the middle of classes, but rather the doesn't-feel-like-i'm-gonna-get-enough-sleep-tonight sort of dreams which plague me when I'd rather not be visualising anything (ie sleeping).

It'd be great if I could remember these dreams, but I usually forget about 'em pretty much around 5 minutes after I've woken up, despite my best efforts to hang on to the tendrils of dissipating memory. Buggersome, really.

The worst part is, the memories of these dreams resurface when I least expect it - whilst I'm commuting, in the middle of writing a research paper, in the middle of an exam, etc etc. And they're not proper vivid memories either. They're just some weird annoying prods from the deep recesses of my brain - the same recesses which give me the out-of-sorts feeling that I'd forgotten something. This creates a whole bunch of crazy issues.

Are these memories real? Or were they something I'd dreamt up and due to the whole mish-mash of a misfiring-hunk-of-junk called "my brain", led myself to think that they were real?

Usually, my reaction is to confirm whether these memories are indeed reality. Which, more often than not, ends up with me sounding rather foolish, or probably being thought of as a blundering idiot. Hrmm.. not that I'm not an idiot, but nevermind about that. =P

There are certain times, however, where these vague memory imprints turn out to be real (or half-correct). Which then spurs me on in the future to always clarify all of my vaguest imaginations. Which furthermore leads me to sound rather foolish, thought of as blah blah blah... vicious cycle really.*gnaws teeth*

It'd probably be a lot better if my dreams didn't involve my friends, but rather people I didn't know and in a setting thats suitably fantasy-ish. As far as I can remember though (which, admittedly, probably is about as far as I can throw myself), most of my dreams tend to involve people I know, but as to what those dreams were about... well, that only resurfaces (or should I say, "scratches the surface") at inopportune moments, and with the sort of clarity that can be best described as "foggy".

Ultimately, I just wish these dreams would stop. Not because I want to sound less like a blabbering fool (thats already a default persona of mine), but rather so that I can get some peaceful hours of uneventful sleep dagnammit!

Like, get out of the way, maybe?

Just a slight motoring-related rant. On my way back home yesterday, I realised that a lot of drivers don't seem to feel the need to move out of the overtaking lane when an emergency vehicle is bearing right down behind 'em.

Maybe they just don't check their mirrors frequently enough, or maybe they think "oh, I'm travelling on the speed limit, the ambulance behind me can't go any faster". I really have no idea what they're thinking.

All I have to say is this: The next time, you could be in that ambulance being rushed to the hospital, and if a bunch of cars in front of you decide that its okay to hog the lane whilst you bleed to death, well, that'd be karmic retribution for you.

PS If you do finally notice the emergency vehicle behind you, please please please don't be stupid and jam your brakes in order to filter to the next lane. Speed up, find the next damned empty space, slide into the lane, then brake to fit with the general speed of that lane. You just might save a life by being a li'l more considerate (or in my book, intelligent).

In, out? Left, right?

Admittedly, I've always scoffed at the whole blog phenomenon. I never really saw the need to relate my daily happenings for random people to read. Personally, I thought thats what friends are for. To rant to, to bitch, to revel about certain exciting things with etc...

Ironically, as I was having lunch by my lonesome self today, I had a sudden flash of inspiration (which died the moment I reached a computer) and decided to just give it a go. Better to have tried something, then scoff about it, than to just have personal opinions with zilch experience. =P

So, here I am. Staring at this blank piece of virtual paper, wondering what in the world to write.

*muses*

Right, I've recently hit two dozen years of age, and I'm still about as clueless about my life as I was back when I was 18. Maybe its the society which I live in, or that I've been pretty much bumming my life away ever since I was born. But somehow, I just don't feel adult yet.

Yes, i'm still in college - one of the major drawbacks of national conscription. I graduate in half a year's time where i'll be almost 25 with (realistically speaking) a third of my life gone. I'm in a faculty where I didn't really want to be in the first place, but decided to stick it out since my cards had already been dealt. And, I'm graduating with sub-par grades.

Lovely way to start out adulthood, wouldn't you say?

Nonetheless, I do have a career option in mind. Something entirely unrelated to what I'm studying, but closely related to one of my key interests that's sustained me roughly throughout the past decade of my life. Still, having a goal is one thing, getting there is something else entirely.

And then I'm looking at the various freshmen who've just entered. I've acquainted myself with some of them and I found myself surprised to be slightly envious of 'em. Especially the women. 18/19 years of age. Prime of their life (during my prime, I was happily slaving away through mud and muck... but thats another story); options open to 'em; getting involved in all sorts of school activities. And I have this profound sense of regret. For not being more active in school (zilch official activities to my name in 3.5 years here), for not studying harder, for not reading widely, for not being more outgoing etc etc yada yada blah blah blah.... in summary, i regret being a lazy arse fart-around. Whoops.

Then again, I guess I can't say I've been unhappy these past few years. I've got a small number of awesome pals, had loads of free time, picked up an interest which fuelled a passion for things Japanese and spent quite a fair bit of time wandering through some bits of twisties near my home.

I'm just... aimless. And old. Oh yes. Old. I can feel my bones creaking. Though, that could just be related to my lab work. ^^;;

I guess I can pretty much sum up my inaugural blog post (and my musings) with a quote from Aaron Allston:
"Its not the leaving thats tough anymore, its finding someplace to go". (Profound apologies to the author if I didn't get the quote as 100% as it could be, but the gist is there. I hope. ^^;; )